


Surely to the Sea

by Deadpan9618



Series: Of Springstars And Sunflowers [4]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: (even though he shouldn't), Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Autistic Aziraphale (Good Omens), Aziraphale Has an Anxiety Disorder (Good Omens), Child Death, Crowley Has Chronic Pain (Good Omens), Crowley Has PTSD (Good Omens), Crowley Has an Anxiety Disorder (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Kids (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Lucifer, Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Crowley has Trauma from the Fall (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Crowley's Name is Crawly | Crawley (Good Omens), Crowley-centric (Good Omens), Disabled Aziraphale (Good Omens), Disabled Character, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Flashbacks, Gabriel Is (Not) An Asshole, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Its more like, Lucifer is an asshole, M/M, Our boy has been h u r t, Pining, Pre-Canon, Pre-Fall (Good Omens), Rape/Non-con Elements, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Time Period: Noah's Ark, a bit - Freeform, another interpretation of canon, for now at least, him not being an asshole isn't explicit but it's there, its before he changed it, they are both messes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:14:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26357794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deadpan9618/pseuds/Deadpan9618
Summary: All hell breaks loose when Crawly finds his future may not be what he expected, and that his loyalties may not lie where they should.One perplexing and vastly different angel can, and will, bring about great change for Crawly and Humanity. But will they be able to survive, or will they fall and drown?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley/Satan | Lucifer (Good Omens)
Series: Of Springstars And Sunflowers [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1802824
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Surely to the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> this is my longest fic yet, which is cool. It's been a long time in the making, especially because I had to take a weeks break because of surgery I was having.
> 
> this is also the first fic in this series to have more than one chapter, so, yay me! please enjoy and please, god, heed the tags and warning.

_ Staring into the abyss of Heaven was a common hobby of Raphaels. They adored the flashing, swirling colors of the nebulae, the bright, pulsating beauty of the stars that they had placed there with their own hands. It was wonderful, the peace that they felt, only interrupted by the occasional whispers of their creations. They were lucky the stars didn’t mind eavesdroppers. Why would they? Raphael was their Mother, after all. Raphael's own Mother had said so Herself, had applauded Her child for their ingenuity and creativity. Raphael smiled as they thought back to the glowing, happy faces of their friends as they were applauded, Gabriel’s grin at his sibling’s success, Michael’s smile that, although small, was practically glowing with pride, Uriel’s laughter as she was amazed by the lights above her, still too small to completely understand the enormity of the occasion. Raphael’s love for all of them threatened to burst at the seams, and they wondered, not for the first time, at how the angels with many siblings in their Choirs, like the Lower Angels, the Principalities, and the Dominions handled all the love they surely felt for their fellows. Was it different for them? Raphael didn’t really know. They didn’t really care either, content as they were under the soft glow of their creations. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “I hope I’m not interrupting anything?” _

_ The Archangel jumped, and turned around to see none other than the Seraph Lucifer himself standing beside them, staring out into the void. _

_ “Oh… no. Y-you weren’t interrupting anything, I was just…” _ _  
  
_

_ “Staring at the stars?” _

_ Raphael nodded, feeling their essence heat up at Lucifer’s tone. _

_  
_ _ “It’s alright.” He said, as if reading Raphael’s mind. “They're beautiful. You did a good job with them.” _

_ Raphael made a conscious effort not to preen at the Seraph’s words. It wasn’t every day you were complimented by one of the highest of Angels, after all. “Do you ever wonder at what they think? What do you think they feel?” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Raphael knew what they thought, of course. They had whispered to them upon their conception, told them of all sorts of things, confusing, wonderful things that they didn’t entirely understand. And what they felt? Raphael had taken the stars into them, let them feel their being, their essence, and had felt the stars in return. A bloom of beauty and gorgeousness, throbbing and pulsating in their very core. They often wondered if that was what they were like before they were created, part of something so much larger than them, consumed entirely into the awesome power of God. _

_ “I don’t know. I just hope they're happy, I guess.” _ _  
  
_

_ “Of course they are.” _

_ The two of them stood in silence for a moment, feathers blowing in the celestial winds, their wings bathed in the light of the stars. _

_ “Do you ever feel jealous of them? The stars, I mean?” _

_ Raphael turned to Lucifer in confusion. “What is ‘jealous’?” _ _  
  
_

_ Lucifer laughed. His voice echoed high and rich, reverberating amongst the cosmos. “Ah, I forgot. You wouldn’t know what that means, would you?”  _

_ “So it’s a new thing, then?” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Yes.” _

_  
_ _ “What does it mean?” _ _  
  
_

_ Lucifer laughed once again, shutting his eyes in mirth. “To be jealous is to want what someone else has.” _

_ “Oh.” Raphael frowned, their many gold eyes still trained on the abyss below. “Why would I be jealous of them? I have everything I want.” _

_ “Surely there must be something out there you crave, though? Surely there must be something that makes you feel… discontent?” _

_ Raphael let out a nervous giggle. “Well, I don’t know…” _ _  
  
_

_ “So there is something, then?” Lucifer said excitedly, his interest peaked. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “I suppose… Oh, but I probably shouldn’t say. It’s a bit, ah, disrespectful…” _

_ This time, it was Lucifer’s turn to frown. “I’m not sure if I understand.” _

_ “Well, I… Oh, I should just get it over with!” Raphael laughed. “I would like to know the Great Plan.” _

_ “Really?” _

_ “Oh yes. I just think, well, since us angels are helping it come about, shouldn’t we know what it actually is? _

_ Lucifer nodded. “Very wise, Raphael. I should’ve expected no less from an archangel.” _

_  
_ _ Raphael preened at the praise, their essence glowing a happy yellow. “Thank you very much! I must say, I was worried you’d accuse me of disrespecting God, especially with all this dissent going on at the moment. I know Michael wouldn’t be happy if I told them about this.” _

_ “Micheal’s a sweetheart, really.” _

_ “You would think that, wouldn’t you, Lucifer?” Raphael giggled, and Lucifer frowned, though Raphael could tell the Seraph didn’t mind really. _

_ “What do you make of all this nasty business going on then, Raphael?” _

_ The younger angel felt their spirits lowering. After God revealed the main species that would populate the earth, many angels got upset. As far as Raphael could understand, they thought the humans were being given a better lot in life than they were. Raphael didn’t really get it though. Life was perfect in heaven. Surely it was better to be in the presence of God, than down on some little ball of dirt? The humans couldn’t even fly! _

_ “I suppose they’re, how did you say it, ‘envious’? But why, I don’t know.” _

_ Before Raphael got the chance to speak, though, Lucifer butted in. _

_  
_ _ “They are envious because the humans will be free to do whatever they like on earth, but us angels are eternally bound in servitude to our creator.” _

_ Raphael looked at Lucifer, surprised at his bluntness and the dark feelings swirling in his essence. “Well, I… I’m sure that's not true. If any angel didn’t want to serve under God, surely She would allow them to follow their destiny elsewhere?” _

_ “Well, we have yet to see that happen. Most of my siblings have reacted negatively to those angels, and yours have too, apparently.” Lucifer gave them a pointed look, and Raphael thought of how Michael talked to the soldiers who grumbled about their lot, how they said that God was light, that God was good no matter what. That they should be honoured to serve Her. _

_ Gabriel acted in a similar manner. He showed disgust whenever he talked about the dissenters, calling them rabble and claiming they’re all ungrateful and greedy. Raphael thought he was just angry that Hesperial seemed to agree with their opinions. They didn’t know. _

_ It was all very confusing. They wondered why everything couldn’t just be simple, like it used to be. _

_ “I think that if God really wanted to stop those angels, She’d just silence them.” Raphael muttered, and Lucifer hummed, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. _

_ “But She won’t. She’d never do that.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Lucifer hummed again. _

_ “She said all of Her children should have the chance to speak their mind. She wouldn’t go back on Her word. She loves all of us. She wouldn’t hurt us. Any of us.” _

_ Lucifer said nothing. Raphael felt their aura turning red with frustration. “Do you even care what I have to say? It’s just, you don’t really seem to be listening.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Lucifer just turned and smiled at the archangel. “You have spirit. I like that.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Raphael spluttered. “Wh-What’s that supposed to mean?” _

_ “Nothing bad, I assure you, darling.” Lucifer spread his wings and touched them to his companions’. “We could do great things together, you and I. The whole world could be covered in the light of your stars, little one.” _

_ And with that, he flew away, his eight wings spreading out wide, glowing with the light of a thousand suns as he drifted back towards the light of heaven.  _

_ Raphael’s brain was blank as they watched him, their mind filled with the image of Lucifer’s sparkling blue eyes, the brightness of his feathers as he soared into the sky. _

_ They thought of his words. The apparent injustice of God. _

_ What he said can’t be true. Raphael thought to themself. God is justice. God is good. There must be an explanation for what’s happening. _

_ Right? _

_ Right. _

_ With that, Raphael spread their wings and flew into the sky, their essence still glowing with barely disguised confusion and fear. _

  
  
  
  
  


Crawly jolted awake with a shout, for a moment not realising where he was, and for a terrifying moment thought he was back in Hell. It certainly smelled and sounded like Hell; the place reeked with the stench of many unwashed animals and humans, and the air was filled with the bleats and roars and words of said animals and humans. Crawly got up with difficulty, the constant rocking of the boat doing nothing to ease his frayed nerves, nor the ache of his limbs, stiff from sleeping in a sitting position on the hardwood floor of Noah’s Ark.

_ Bloody stupid name for a boat anyway, _ he thought, looking around on checking on the many children curled up on the floor, lulled into unconsciousness by a mixture of Crawly’s powers and sheer exhaustion.  _ Could’ve just called it… well, could’ve just called it a boat, really. _

Crawly jolted at the sound of a Noah’s voice above him, demanding his men to feed the animals while he lazed around being God’s chosen one in his family’s special quarters.  _ Self flagellating twat. _

Crawly made sure the wards preventing any being from entering their little corner of the ship were still holding up, before leaving for some fresh air. He felt guilty for leaving the kids, but he consoled himself with the fact that no one would find them, and even if they did they weren’t actually likely to make them walk the plank, even if they weren’t supposed to be on the ship. Noah’s cronies must have some humanity in them.

Eventually, after wading through what felt like eleventy billion heaps of animal dung and avoiding countless humans and several pissed off snakes ( _ Must be mating season,  _ Crawly thought to himself,) He finally found himself above board, getting soaked to the skin by the rain. Thankfully it wasn’t holy, so he could actually walk around without melting into a pile of demonic goo, but there was something, or rather some _ one, _ holy wandering around, most likely avoiding the squawking, screeching animals and his frankly insufferable human charges.

Crawly slithered up towards the angel of The Eastern Gate, letting his wings manifest into the physical world as a sign of trust, hoping the principality wouldn’t boot him off the ship.

“How’s ‘the Great Plan’ going then, Aziraphale?”

To Crawly’s surprise, the angel just sighed and shook his head, staring out into the ocean. “Horribly. I had… no idea it would be like this.”

“What d’you mean?”

“Well, I just thought that at the very least they’d die peacefully. But the screams. Oh God, the screams…”   
  


Crawly bristled at Aziraphale’s words, thinking of all the innocent people who had lost their lives in the flood, all the children he couldn’t save. And Aziraphale had the audacity to complain? 

But the angel's tone eased his anger. He could tell that Aziraphale really did mourn for them, that he regretted leaving them. But he thought he didn’t have a choice.

Well. He didn’t actually have one. If Aziraphale rebelled, he would fall. And Crawly wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy (even though nearly all of his enemies had fallen already.)

He especially wouldn’t wish it on Aziraphale. 

But he still wished Aziraphale had made just a little bit of a fucking effort to save them, that he didn’t act so fucking blase about the whole thing! It made him wonder if Aziraphale was just like all the other angels really, as cold-hearted and obedient and sanctimonious as the rest of them. It made something ugly curl within him. Sadness, maybe? Betrayal? But that couldn’t be right, he had no reason to trust this angel.

And no reason to care about him.

_ Except he did. He did, and it was tearing him apart. _

He turned back to stare at the principality, who was looking out over the ocean with a pale, shaking hand clapped over his mouth.

“Hey, it’ll be alright. I mean, it has to be alright.” Crawly muttered bitterly. “The Great bloody Plan, right?”

“Exactly!” Aziraphale explained, his face pale and his blue eyes rife with panic. “It’s the Great Plan, and I’ve been… oh, I’ve been doubting it, Crawly!” He turned directly to face the demon, a look of guilt painted on his beautiful features. “Ever since I met  _ you,  _ I’ve started thinking things I shouldn’t think, wanting things I shouldn’t want! Oh, it’s maddening!”

Crawly didn’t know why Aziraphale’s words were such a punch in the gut.  _ You know. You know.  _ He was just an angel. Some stupid, stuck-up, priggish, fussy angel. Why would he care about the opinion of someone like that? He didn’t even  _ like _ Aziraphale!

_ You do. _

The only reason he ever spent time with him, ever seeked him out, was because he was bored, and human lives are so fleeting, and most demons are disgusting.

_ And most of them hate you.  _

So, that really only left the angel that had sheltered him in Eden. What had his life come to?

_ You could spend time with Lucifer. _

_ Well, Lucifer’s always busy anyways. He doesn’t really count. I don’t want to bother him.  _

_ I especially don’t want to make him annoyed. You don’t annoy Satan. You don’t.  _

While all these thoughts were whirling through Crawly’s head, he sniffed and looked away into the horizon. “Well, I’ve been thinking things I shouldn’t either. So we’re both stuffed, I suppose.”   
  


Crawly could sense Aziraphale’s curiosity as he stared at Crawly’s back, and the demon put away his wings, feeling Aziraphale didn’t really deserve to see them anymore. There was a long, pregnant pause.

“Would that have something to do with the children in the keel?”   
  
Crawly whipped his head around so fast that some of his thick, long hair got stuck in his mouth. He spat it out, heart beating so fast he was sure even those children could hear it.

Aziraphale stared at him with trepidation, his blue eyes filled with questions Crawly didn’t know how to answer. Eventually he looked away. “I’m not going to tell Noah, if that’s what you’re worried about. I won’t throw them out, either.”   
  
Crawly couldn’t help but breathe a barely disguised sigh of relief. 

  
“You aren’t planning to… do anything nasty to them, are you?” Aziraphale whispered, his face filled with worry, and Crawly felt his heart swell.

_ Stop beating so fast, you stupid bloody thing!  _ He yelled inside his mind, but no amount of threats deterred it from beating about as fast as a hummingbirds.

“Nah,” Crawly said after a while, hoping that Aziraphale wouldn’t take the kids away from him. He’d become quite attached to the little buggers, despite his demonic nature. “Not really my style. They’re much more receptive to temptation as adults, ya know?” Aziraphale gave a little smile and nodded sagely, as if a celestial being such as himself knew all about the very demonic business of temptation.

_ Well, you’re certainly tempting me. _

“So, you’re not mad that I'm defying ‘the Great Plan’?”

“Well, uh, I-” Aziraphale spluttered, raising his head to the grey sky as if expecting to be struck down where he stood. “I figured, well, if She didn’t want you to smuggle those children onto the Ark, She’d just strike you down as soon as you decided to do so.”

“Sooooo…” Crawly said, his amusement plain on his face, “You think this is all part of God’s Plan?”

“Well.” Aziraphale whispered, eyes still pointed skyward in reverence and no small amount of fear, “Maybe?” He eventually squeaked out, fingers fiddling around with a piece of loose thread hanging from his tunic.

Crawly nodded slowly, unsure what to think of this. He didn’t believe it for a second, of course, but the thought that he might just be a pawn, a piece in Her game once again…

It made him sick. It made him want to cry, which wasn’t very demonic of him all.

And he certainly wasn’t going to show his deepest emotions and trauma in front of an angel, no matter how beautiful or kind said angel may be.

But what was he supposed to say now?

  
“I’d better go. Make sure I don’t get spotted, yeah?”

Aziraphale nodded, and smiled at Crawly, making his heart jump inside his chest. “Make sure to tell the children they are being protected by one of God’s angels. A-As well as by you, of course!” Aziraphale eventually stammered out.

Crawly nodded, and turned around, ready to head back under the deck, back into the stinking, fetid and muggy environment inside the Ark.

“W-Wait!”

Crawly turned back around to meet Aziraphale’s blushing face. “I-I was hoping I could ask a favour of you, Crawly.”

The demon raised his eyebrows. “What favour?”

“Well…” Aziraphale stuttered out, his hands fidgeting with his gown, “I’m supposed to send out one of the doves to try and find new land for the remaining humans to live on. But the thing is, the female has eggs and...” Aziraphale looked at Crawly expectantly, his eyes begging for something, but Crawly wasn’t sure what. He could imagine though, and it made him feel hot under his rough tunic.

_ Stop it stop it stop it stop _

“So?”   
  


“Well, I obviously can’t send them out into that rain now!” Aziraphale said, obviously exasperated. “They have children, Crawly!”

“And what does this have to do with me?”

“Well,” Aziraphale said, voice filled with annoyance, “I was hoping you could help find a new world for the humans. Seeing as the doves aren’t up to it.”

Crawly couldn’t believe this. The angel had the fucking  _ audacity  _ to blackmail  _ him,  _ the fucking serpent of Eden, into doing his chores? Well, Crawly wouldn’t be pushed around. Not any-fucking-more.

“Get one of the other birds to do it. I’m not doing your dirty work for you. I already have enough on my plate.”   
  
“But they’ll probably die out there, Crawly, and then their entire species will become extinct in this region! You can’t do that to them!”   
  


Crawly was getting fed up. Any goodwill he had towards the angel was quickly leaving. “I’m not fucking doing it. And you and I both know who would win in a fight, so don’t try anything.”   
  
Aziraphale looked confused. Well, more so than usual. “Why would I want to fight you?”   
  


“What, you think I’ll give up those kids to you  _ willingly? _ You’re stupider than I thought, you know.” Crawly snickered, and Aziraphale flinched like he had been slapped. Crawly immediately felt bad for the angel. The poor thing was obviously having a hard time, and Crawly was acting like he didn’t even care. 

_ I don’t care. I don’t care. _

_ Oh fuck, I do care. _

“Wait, you thought I was  _ blackmailing _ you?”   
  
This time, it was Crawly’s turn to be confused. “You… weren’t?”   
  
“Of course not! I’m an angel, I’d never even  _ think _ of doing that to anyone, even a demon!”   
  
Crawly rolled his eyes. He knew Heaven and it’s angels were no strangers to blackmail from the board meetings Lucifer forced him to come to occasionally. “Right. So, you were just expecting me, a demon, to do it out of what? The goodness of my heart?”

Aziraphale blushed. “Well, you did save those children…”

Crowley snarled. “I did that so I could tempt them and their descendants! Not because I actually care about the little buggers!”   
  


Aziraphale gave a very unangelic smirk, and his face morphed into a sort of ‘I know you’re lying but I’m not going to tell you I know’ expression. And, oh, it fucking  _ infuriated  _ Crawly to no end. Damn smug bastard of an angel.

“If you don’t do this, there will be no more humans to tempt. All the poor little souls will go up to Heaven, and we will have basically won already.”

The little fucker. He had a point there.

  
Crawly rolled his eyes. “Why can’t you just do it?”

Aziraphale grimaced, and stared down at the floorboards in… shame? “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I have to stay on the boat with the humans. Head Office will be angry if I leave.”

“‘Head Office’ would also be pretty angry if they knew you were talking to a demon, I think.” Crawly said. He couldn’t help but be amused as he watched the angel search for an excuse.   
  
“I… I just can’t.”

Crawly was befuddled. Why wouldn’t the angel just come out with it? Were there angels waiting in ambush, camouflaged amongst the rain and clouds, biding their time so they could enact their revenge against the Serpent of Eden? Or did he just not want to be seen as selfish for not wanting to fly into that raging storm? Crawly wouldn’t blame him if so.

“Please, Crawly.” The demon snapped back to reality at the angels pleading tone. “I know it is not in your nature to trust me, or to do good deeds at all really, but… please. Just trust me. I’ll give you something in return, I promise. What is it that you want? I’ll give it to you, anything.”   
  
Crawly was struck dumb by Aziraphale, and not for the first time. The concern in the angel's voice, mixed with a hint of defeated melancholy, as if he was already anticipating the demon's rejection. Did he actually have a reason for being unable to go out into the maelstrom himself? Was he exhibiting the same care for humanity that led him to give away his flaming sword?   
  


It’s in Crawly’s nature to trust, to obey. It’s an instinct embedded deep in all angels, and in many demons too. Those who never truly forgot Heaven, who were now forced to redirect their subservience, even if, like Crawly, they didn’t particularly want to.

Crawly had never had any desire to submit to the angel. But he had felt a desire to protect him and his charges. To protect the world they both loved, however secretly.

Without another moment of hesitation, Crawly said yes.

  
  


Lost. He was lost.

Spiritually, physically, in every way. Crawly could barely see through the thick, grey clouds, heavy with water sent to drown this particular region of earth, and all its humans along with it.

He had spent ages searching, hoping,  _ anything,  _ so that he could rest, so that he could return to the Ark, to  _ Aziraphale. _

But those feelings could be deliberated on later. Right now, Crawly just wanted  _ rest.  _ His wings were burning, and his thick hair weighed heavily on his scalp. His gown was wet and sticking uncomfortably to his body, and his mind was filled with a fog nearly as impenetrable as the greyness of the demon’s cold, wet reality.

Crawly knew it wouldn’t be long until his wings gave up on him. His mortal body was floundering, and his energy and confidence was slowly being sapped out of him by the relentless pummeling of the rain on his skin. Crawly fancied he could hear the screams of drowning humans, the begging of damned men who knew, deep within, that they couldn’t escape. Whole towns and villages submerged in an endless ocean, a sea littered with corpses.

_ They were innocent!  _ Crawly screamed inside his head, shouting to a being he knew would not be listening.  _ You did this to them! _

A flash of lightning obscured Crawly’s vision, and he screamed, thrashing about, caught in the throes of the howling wind. The clap of thunder took him back, memories streaking across his mind, filling him with an indescribable dread. Crawly shut his eyes, suddenly unable to cope, filled with visions and questions unanswered, howling that it wasn’t his fault,  _ wasn’t his fault- _

Crawly felt his wings give out and went limp, ready to once again join the damned souls below him.

  
  


_ They couldn’t take it anymore. _

_ It was all too much. _

_ Having to watch their friends disappear forever, never to be seen or heard again. And the worst thing was, it was all Raphael’s fault. They were meant to be God’s Healer, they were meant to be able to fix any affliction, soothe any wound. But they couldn’t heal whatever Lucifer and his forces were doing. _

_ Death. It was a new concept, created during the war after Lucifer discovered he could warp his powers, turn them against his fellow angels. So many had surrendered to it’s clutches, so many had been wiped off the face of Heaven. Because Raphael couldn’t help them. They couldn’t reverse death. They couldn’t bring them back to the loving embrace of their siblings, couldn’t help those poor, poor souls. They couldn’t do anything but surrender them to the crushing darkness beyond. _

_  
_ _ Raphael was sick of it.  _

_ They were sick of not being able to do anything. They were sick of wondering and waiting and standing idle while the whole bloody world fell apart around them. They had done everything that had been asked of them. They remained loyal to God, healed Her forces, they had done their level fucking best to assure themself and others that it would all be over soon but they couldn’t. They just couldn’t take it anymore. _

_  
_ _ Michael and Gabriel had refused to let them into battle. They supposed it made sense, seeing as they didn’t know how to fight at all, but just waiting around in the Healing Quarters for the influx of dying angels to come in after the battles. It was maddening, knowing angels were out there risking their lives for God while they just stood idle.  _

_ But being alone gave them time to think. And the thoughts they had were… worrying. It was the seed that Lucifer had planted in their head before the Rebellion even started, the seed that maybe what they were fighting for… wasn’t worth it. Raphael was beginning to realise that maybe Lucifer was right. He claimed that all angels are trapped in an endless cycle of servitude to God. That angels weren’t free to do what they wanted, that they always had to listen to what God wanted them to do. And that was true enough. When angels are made, they are usually made for a specific purpose. They are given an assignment, and that assignment is embedded deep within their beings, their vocation appearing on their halos alongside their name and Choir. Raphael was made to be God’s Love, Her healer, but since they were an archangel, one of the most powerful and high-ranking Choirs, they had a lot of freedom. They were not only God’s Healer. They created the stars, and worked on the night sky before the war, blanketing it with pinpoints of their own radiant light. But they had come to realise that maybe the only reason they were even allowed to spend time with their creations was because creating and placing stars is an incredibly high risk business. A star's energy can severely damage an angel's form, and that happened often. But Raphael? They were always there to help whenever one of the workers was harmed, and they could help heal them, make sure they were alright. If Raphael didn’t have those powers… would they even be allowed to help? Or would they be congratulated for their achievement and separated from their children forever?  _

_  
_ _ The thought was unbearable for Raphael, but they knew in their heart that it was probably true. They would have been separated from their stars, regardless of what they actually wanted. But they probably would have gone along with it happily, anyway. That was their nature as an angel. To obey. To love. _

_ But that love, that willingness, was disappearing quickly. _

_ And it scared them. _

_ They didn’t want to hurt anyone. They didn’t want to fight, not really. They just wanted it all to be over. They wanted everything to go back to the way it was. _

_ But Raphael knew that wasn’t possible. Nothing would ever be the same again. Too many lives had been lost on both sides, too many things had changed. _

_ But, perhaps, they could create a better future together? A peaceful future, a free future. If everyone could all just stop fighting… _

_  
_ _ Raphael suddenly knew what they had to do. God had told the angels still loyal to Her that they would fight against the rebels, but if Raphael could convince Her to try and make peace… _

_ Then everything would be okay again. Well, maybe not, but they were an optimist at heart. If She said yes… _

_ With renewed hope, Raphael spread their wings and flew into the sky, feeling the happiest they had had felt in what seemed like ages. _

  
  


With his last ounce of energy, Crawly managed to drag his body out of the ocean and fly back to Ark. The last thing he wanted was to discorporate in those watery depths, filled with the waterlogged bodies of God’s victims.

His flashbacks to his fall had shaken Crawly. The very thought of the incident could sometimes reduce him to tears, but today, fortunately, was not one of those days. Not yet, at least. Crawly still felt like he was under the water, the world moving slowly around him, and it was like he was feeling his emotions through a woolen blanket. Crawly shook himself to make sure he was still in his corporation, and was relieved to feel his wet hair slap against his face. He was still half convinced that this whole flood incident was just one of the awful nightmares he had whenever he made the terrible mistake of falling asleep in Hell, and he’d honestly be relieved if it was. He’d come back up to earth and all those poor humans would still be alive, Noah, if he even existed at all, would once again just be some stupid high and mighty goody-two-shoes sheperd, and he and Aziraphale could go back to being adversaries who sometimes got together for a little chat about the terribly foreign and strange world they both found themselves cohabiting. 

But no. There was the Ark, it’s intimidating wooden silhouette a figure of doom in the distance, and Crawly knew it wasn’t a dream.

The demon ungracefully landed on the deck with a wet thud, sprawling onto the floor with exhaustion. His wings had gone completely numb with exhaustion and cold, and they were begging to be folded away into the not-warmth of the ethereal realm, but for now all Crawly could do was lie there, completely paralysed by the coldness of his body and his memories. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if Crawly was properly human, but despite his systems and appearance mostly being that of a human being, Crawly was still somehow cold-blooded. As such, his entire body felt like it was being turned to ice, and his snake instincts were screaming at him to  _ move,  _ to find somewhere warm and safe to hide from this storm. But he couldn’t. Crawly couldn’t move and he knew that, in a matter of minutes, his corporation would give out. And it was painful. It was so fucking painful. 

Demons weren’t meant to be scared of anything, and yet Crawly was frightened of discorporation, the awful sensation of being thrown out of his body and forced back into the depths of that terrifying place that he was forced to call home.  _ At least I’ll get to see Lucifer again.  _ Crawly thought with the last coherent parts of his brain.  _ He’ll let me stay down there with him. I won’t have to witness all this pain and suffering anymore. I won’t have to feel these feelings anymore. I’ll be safe.  _

Then why did he want to stay up here? The kids would be fine. He trusted the angel would look after them, even in Crawly’s absence. They would probably be safer, even, since there wouldn’t be any chance of them being caught up in a smiting if God decided to strike Crawly down for his crimes. So why did Crawly want to stay?

_ Was it because of…? _

He didn’t want to think about these things. He didn’t want to trust the Guardian of the Eastern Gate, who gave away his flaming sword, who protected the humans, who tried to make sure they were always safe from harm, even if he failed at that sometimes.  _ No one is perfect,  _ Crawly thought,  _ but sometimes Aziraphale seems like he is. _

He trusted the angel who sheltered him from the first storm. He trusted the Guardian of the Eastern Gate. He trusted  _ Aziraphale. _

And how could he do that? How could he prefer spending time with Aziraphale over the one he loved above all else?  _ How could he? _

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t.

_ It just wasn’t fair. _

_ But life isn’t fair, my darling. The sooner you learn that, the better things will be for you. _

__  
  


**Author's Note:**

> there will be smut in the next chapter, so if that's what your here for then rejoice. I hope you enjoyed, guys, and please comment and kudos, they help me write!!


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